Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
good morning
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.