8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
#merica
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”