My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Pat is about to own someone
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
went fishing caught a bass
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.