Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
i guess his teacher was really pissed
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Unimpressed
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.