Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
#Caturday
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.