Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.