ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m about to risk it all
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.