95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
all bases covered
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.