2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
You Might Also Like
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
A friend helps you before you need it
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.