When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
What a chick magnet..
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.