A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.