Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
You Might Also Like
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
estão todos miauvindo?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*