My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Wait for it
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault