My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I only treason on days ending in y
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED