Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Lube but for my dry humor.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up