App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
You Might Also Like
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
plums roundup
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later