A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.