Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Smells like a challenge to me
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Good news
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..