Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My last name is Zilla.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.