guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists