Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.