This is why I hate group projects
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Can. I. Help. You.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]