Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Saw online –
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”