*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You Might Also Like
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.