Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots