Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.