my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
When someone says you are so lazy
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.