When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Lmfao
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic