I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?