Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
cat vs inanimate object
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Bike is short for Bichael.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions