I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.