I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
listen closely
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password