A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
But that’s none of my business
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.