It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
i actually laughed 😩
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*