2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: