Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math