Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.