HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The Punning Dead.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.