Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.