ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.