Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
A duv-egg? In this economy?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what