my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
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Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Rambo Rambow
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother