I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
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Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.