[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.