I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
🤭😂
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.