I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
starting a garage orchestra
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS