My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
monday
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Saturday
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
pls suprot
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
OH. COME. ON.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.