I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
nice challenge
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Something Saturday.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.