shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
S O O N
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved