My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..